News

Among the most feared women are Shivarra, six-armed demons three times as fanatical as other Legion followers and possibly the most depraved women that ever existed. At the upper echelon of Antorus is a coven made up of four Shivarra notorious for eliciting screams with their respective signature techniques in torture. They were tasked by Sargeras with corrupting the spirits of fallen titans to form an unstoppable Dark Pantheon. Their sinister plans came to a screeching halt when they encountered an elite force that even ninjas could not overcome: drunkin' Pirates of the Abyssal Maw.

Having proven themselves to be the most boisterous crew in all of Azeroth, the Pirates set sail to drown out screams with roaring laughter. When they finally reached the Burning Throne in Antorus and gazed upon the mesmerizing Shivarra, most wondered how such beautiful women were capable of unspeakable horrors. The coven quickly put that thought to rest by demonstrating their fierce battle prowess. Each Shivarra unleashed powerful magical barrages from the schools of fire, ice and darkness. Pirates scattered like rats in random directions to evade and luckily formed four makeshift attack packs.

Similarly to the Sargeras mutts, isolation of the Coven turned out to be a key weakness. The Coven were separated into four quadrants spaced approximately 15 yards apart to allow for sophisticated cleave and dot attacks to hit multiple targets concurrently. Eventually, the Coven fell like dominos starting with Noura the so-called Mother of Flames who exploded in a spectacular gibbing. The Army of Light shined bright enough to melt Diima the Mother of Gloom and cancel Asara the Mother of Night. Finally, only the strongest sister remained with her cosmic scale fire spells. Thu'raya's deafening screams echoed throughout all of Argus as she succumbed to simple interrupts. Pirates claimed another lucrative bounty and signalled the start of a wild celebration by singing about bottles of rum. While the mothers have fallen, it remains to be seen if all of their twisted children have been dealt with.

On Day 1337 of a hunger strike to protest titan brutality, authorities confirmed that dreadlord Varimathras died from malnutrition. For thousands of years, Vari endured torture at the hands of Shivarra sadists. He described the pain as worse than having a tooth drilled into the nerve without novocaine, or reading tweets composed by Donald J. Trump. Vari had lost enough weight to make Azeroth models doubt if they were skinny enough to fit inside a backpack. His time of death is unknown because he had been standing in the exact same position without moving for the entire strike duration.

An early Darwin contender died after he launched an explosive purple ball off the top of his head on Thursday night. According to the national Department of Public Safety, Kin'garoth placed a mortar tube on his head and set off the explosive ball. He died instantly after the ball exploded.

The victim's brother, Varimathras, told the Azeroth Daily News it was an accident. He said his brother was holding a lighter and it accidentally caused the ball to go off.

“I was the first one who got there. There was no rushing him to the hospital. There was no Kin'garoth left when I got there,” his brother said. “It was a freak accident. But Kin'garoth was not the kind of person who would do something stupid. He was the kind of person who would pretend to do something stupid to make people laugh.”

Officials say this is the first ball-attributed death in Azeroth since they were legalized two years ago.

Imonar Walks Into a Trap

Scarcrux a posted Dec 27, 17  -  antorusmythicraid

Imonar accepted an invitation to come alone and walked straight into a blatantly obvious trap. He arrived in a dark alley where a Pirates crew quickly surrounded him and offered a ubiquitous Amazon.com package. As a master of traps, Imonar eagerly anticipated the content of the box. He wondered whether the Pirates would offer him a predictable explosive or something a bit more exciting like a deadly exotic poison. Check out the video to witness his shocking reaction to unboxing the finest booty:

Eonar has been on the run to prevent her titan soul from being captured by the Legion which sought to generate an infinite demon army. Her goddess powers of creation and healing have earned the honorable title Life-Binder. Spiritually, she reached out to a dwarf in the middle of a naughty dream and planted herself on his bed. She conveyed through feelings that she is really important and in great danger. Magni the dwarf pledged to save her by any means possible. Fortunately, he found a ragtag band of pirates stupid enough to accept the bounty.

Pirates arrived just in time at Eonar's secret garden enclave to mount a defense against waves of demons. Apparently this Eonar is actually a big deal for the Legion to send the battlecruiser Paraxis. In addition to transporting troops, the ship rained down fel artillery. Thousands of Fel Lords were massacred along with their pet hounds and bats. While the ground forces were neutralized, an elite team beamed up to the ship to strike down its commander. Eonar rewarded her saviors with wet dreams mesmerizing enough for a race of dwarves to worship her.

Antorus, Argus – After 15 millenia of operating award winning portals, the Burning Legion's Hasabel Magical Transportation is sealing its doors. Sitting in the heart of Antorus, the business has been a destination for billions of demons. Portal travelers could choose from a myriad menu of planets to invade.

Pirates forced the closure of the business by capturing Portal Keeper Hasabel and destroying her nexus. Surprisingly, the Pirates did not collect her bounty. Rumor is that Hasabel is being tortured to reveal portal technology trade secrets with the goal of constructing a new transportation network called The Pirate Bay.

A trio of eredar military commanders got fragged for helping to orchestrate the Burning Crusade that ravaged countless worlds. Their most heinous act was the construction of hazardous elevators that swiftly crushed millions of innocent lives. Telt became the latest victim after being swapblasted while discussing battle tactics. He would have been pleased to witness the commanders being blown up by their own mines as they attempted to hide in panic rooms shaped like pods.

A pair of demonic guard dogs known as the Felhounds of Sargeras tracked the intoxicating smell of blood to greet the Pirate invaders. Shatug the Shadow Bitch drenched the crew with black piss while F'harg the Molten Bastard spit great balls of fire that ignited the oily piss. Chocolate treats were deployed to separate and isolate the dogs from using their fire piss combo. This had the unintended effect of acting as a stimulant and triggering berserker mode in which they viciously bit random targets. In response, the dogs were given a plethora of chocolate treats shaped like dicks with the intention of overloading their demonic systems. The gluttens swallowed the treats without even chewing and their movements grew increasingly erratic like mad tweakers. Eventually they both collapsed and melted into pools of their respective elements.

After disposing of Kil'joyden, Pirates descended onto the surface of Argus to deliver cans of whoop ass to the remnants of the Burning Legion. First up was an engineering marvel dubbed Garothi Worldbreaker, a state-of-the-art Fel Reaver that towered into the skies with a height of nearly five kilometers. Its explosive armament consisted of giant missile launchers capable of alternating between two attack modes: decimation and annihilation. Leadership decided to disable and salvage the technology rather than destroy it. While most of the crew dodged a seemingly neverending barrage of missiles, the rogue Drkst struck from the shadows by running a cable around the mecha's wide legs until it came crashing down. Mission accomplished! Unfortunately, Drkst got crushed to death by Garothi's big mecha penis that slapped hard into the ground.

The Pirates vindictively pursued shit talkin' Kil'joyden to his spaceship in orbit above Argus where no trick would save the master of illusions from death. Kil'joyden occupied a prominent place on Azeroth's Most Wanted List as Legion's acting commander responsible for a hor invasion led by his pawn Gul'dan and creation of the Lich King. His illustrious supervillain career neared an end as Pirates plowed through hordes of demon cannon fodder until they cornered him on the space poop deck.

Kil being an eredar genius quickly assessed that he would be outmatched in a physical battle so he propositioned a rap battle. With the flow master Froese on their side, the Pirates confidently accepted the challenge. Kil'joyden opened up with "This battle shall be your last! You were fools to follow me here! Burn! Burn and die! Fall to darkness!" The crowd booed his uninspired demon lyrics. Froese hit back with "You're momma teeth so yellow, when she smiled at traffic, it slowed down" and the crowd roared approvingly at the insult.

Kil bellowed with laughter at the grammatical error. Rather than issue a correction, he declared "Look upon our wonders, you mere mortals, and despair! Behold the world that shall be your tomb!" Froese hit him below the belt with another cringeworthy line: "You're momma's so dumb, when she went to the movies and saw the 'Under 17 not permitted' sign, she left to get 16 of her friends." Kil'joyden dropped to the floor and rolled around laughing so hard that his ass exploded. The very heavy back menstrual flow could not be stopped. Velen cried at the sight of losing his former BFF while everyone cried tears of joy while thinking about the financial rewards for their biggest bounty yet.

NoticeNotices