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After disposing of Kil'joyden, Pirates descended onto the surface of Argus to deliver cans of whoop ass to the remnants of the Burning Legion. First up was an engineering marvel dubbed Garothi Worldbreaker, a state-of-the-art Fel Reaver that towered into the skies with a height of nearly five kilometers. Its explosive armament consisted of giant missile launchers capable of alternating between two attack modes: decimation and annihilation. Leadership decided to disable and salvage the technology rather than destroy it. While most of the crew dodged a seemingly neverending barrage of missiles, the rogue Drkst struck from the shadows by running a cable around the mecha's wide legs until it came crashing down. Mission accomplished! Unfortunately, Drkst got crushed to death by Garothi's big mecha penis that slapped hard into the ground.

The Pirates vindictively pursued shit talkin' Kil'joyden to his spaceship in orbit above Argus where no trick would save the master of illusions from death. Kil'joyden occupied a prominent place on Azeroth's Most Wanted List as Legion's acting commander responsible for a hor invasion led by his pawn Gul'dan and creation of the Lich King. His illustrious supervillain career neared an end as Pirates plowed through hordes of demon cannon fodder until they cornered him on the space poop deck.

Kil being an eredar genius quickly assessed that he would be outmatched in a physical battle so he propositioned a rap battle. With the flow master Froese on their side, the Pirates confidently accepted the challenge. Kil'joyden opened up with "This battle shall be your last! You were fools to follow me here! Burn! Burn and die! Fall to darkness!" The crowd booed his uninspired demon lyrics. Froese hit back with "You're momma teeth so yellow, when she smiled at traffic, it slowed down" and the crowd roared approvingly at the insult.

Kil bellowed with laughter at the grammatical error. Rather than issue a correction, he declared "Look upon our wonders, you mere mortals, and despair! Behold the world that shall be your tomb!" Froese hit him below the belt with another cringeworthy line: "You're momma's so dumb, when she went to the movies and saw the 'Under 17 not permitted' sign, she left to get 16 of her friends." Kil'joyden dropped to the floor and rolled around laughing so hard that his ass exploded. The very heavy back menstrual flow could not be stopped. Velen cried at the sight of losing his former BFF while everyone cried tears of joy while thinking about the financial rewards for their biggest bounty yet.

Bad news: Maiden of Valor (not to be confused with the lobotomized Maiden of Vigilance) has a feeble mind that the Legion fully corrupted and cleansed of Light. Good news: Pirates saved a bunch on bounty insurance by switching to GEICO. Unfortunately, Kil'joyden rained on the Pirate parade by unsealing the Avatar of Sargeras. Flanked by the Maiden of Valor, KJ channeled fel energy to awaken the slumbering giant then fled the scene.

Pirates had to act fast as the Avatar roared to life and broke free from its wrist shackles. The feet remained bound in the floor but the activation of containment pylons pouring energy into the Avatar set off alarms. Pirates needed to kill the Avatar before it gained more energy and broke out completely. They used the Maiden as an energy sponge to buy more time as an all-out assault commenced. Eventually, the Avatar grew irritated enough to eat the Maiden thus absorbing enough energy to break free. The floor shattered and everyone dropped into the chamber below.

Pirates faced off against the fully mobilized Avatar as KJ watched from the sidelines next to a portal. The battleground was an unstable platform floating atop an immense lava pool. Avatar inflicted life threatening damage on the crew by unleashing blasts of fel energy and shadow magic. Avatar emanated so much heat that huge chunks of the platform began to break off. The Pirates attacked relentlessly as they burned alive until the Avatar fell with only a tiny piece of the platform remaining. Without hesitation, the whole crew pushed Avatar into the lava pool where it fell for the very last time.

Meanwhile, KJ talked shit then fled again through the portal. Who the hell talks mad shit then runs away like a chicken? The crew was badly injured but they were incited to jump through the portal and riot on the Legion ship awaiting them on the other side. They were accompanied by Prophet Velen, Illidan Stormrage and Khadgar. Stay tuned for updates on another epic battle.

ORGRIMMAR, KA. Boreik, a 23-year-old Night Elf Guardian Druid, won over the judges for his mutilated face that had to be hidden inside a sack for crowd safety. “We were impressed by a face with more craters and wrinkles than the battered Argus surface." Boreik takes home 1 million gold, luxury-class tickets to the Dalaran Sewers, and a monumental, 30-meter-tall trophy.

“He’s a 700-kilogram, drooling, snoring, gassy, loud and silly pig. He knocks over every water bucket no matter how securely attached to the fence. He bosses the other druids around and makes sure all guests are suitably slimed on arrival,” says his caretaker Shirley.

Fourteen homely uglies competed in the annual World’s Ugliest Transmog® contest for the title and world fame from as far away as Deepholm, MA. An Ugly Transmog contest will be held in the slum town of Ogrimmar for the next 50 years, most of them at the Valley of Strength Auction House.

From a Red Carpet Walk and a Fashion Faux Show featuring Ugly Sweaters and rescued transmogs, this annual competition has all the trappings of a Hollywood event, including cameras flashing and video rolling by international and network media. Even royalty Thrall was in attendance.

“We celebrate the spirit and imperfections that make these transmogs loveable and adoptable,” explains Scarcrux, Marketing Director.

For more information visit WorstGuild.com and click on World’s Ugliest Transmog® Contest.

World's Ugliest Transmog

For millenia, the Maiden of Vigilance served as an elite Jedi defender of the Tomb of Sargeras. She was steadfast and unwavering in vigil until a voice called to her: "Fear is the path to the dark side; fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering." Maiden feared that the fel energy seeping into the tomb had tainted her susceptible mind. Her fear was affirmed when her school of magic preference switched to fel from holy. She had been seduced by the dark side and her destiny changed forever.

The noble Pirates accepted a bounty to cleanse Maiden of darkness. They attemped to reason with her yet she defiantly declared "You will not disturb the master's work! Your kind will be cleansed from this world!" Diplomacy obviously failed so the Pirates resorted to the default beatdown plan. She launched holy infused attacks that suggested the Light still exists within her.

Once the Pirates knocked Maiden off her feet, they brought out a surgeon to ensure that the dark side would remain dormant. The doctor lifted up her right eyelid, skillfully inserted an icepick then applied enough force with a mallet to puncture the frontal lobes and sever them from the thalamus. Maiden assumed a new inert state succesfully cleansed of darkness. Bounty claimed!

Mistress Sassz'ine is by far the craziest sea bitch ever encountered. Pirates just wanted to try her famed Five Course Seafood Buffet but she kept ranting about the Tidestone of Golganneth. She accused them of stealing the Tidestone then shouted "Meet your end, mortal filth!" Her arsenal consisted of slicing tornados, killer sharks, stunning acid, murlocs armed with high pressure squirt guns, ankle-biting eels, Hydra Shots, poisonous jellyfish, blinding ink and tidal waves. None of these negated attacks deterred the Pirates from sampling Mistress FUBAR's seafood buffet.

First, they obtained Hydra Essences from her Hydra Shots. These delicious fruit-flavored essences tasted like sweet honeydew melon. The second dish is Eel Tartare which is made by slicing up the eels and eating them raw. Eel drenched in poke sauce created the ultimate rice bowl. Next up came the Murloc Fillets that are best described as a mix of healthy, omega-3 laced salmon and crispy chicken. Pirates are already planning to launch the Kentucky Fried Murloc franchise.

As for the fourth dish, the Ink Sauce is a highly recommended condiment that tastes like extremely spicy wasabi. One drop is enough to trigger the famed nose burn throughout your entire body. Finally, the last and best dish is named Player Seasoning. The late Jeffrey Dahmer may have been onto something because the seasoning to die for came from the corpses of comrades killed by sharks. The exotic taste is so beautiful that words cannot describe it. Add Player Seasoning to your bucket lists.

Pirates are ending the summer of love with the soft moan of their annual World's Ugliest Transmog Contest. Ugly people from all over Azeroth are invited to compete in what's likely the only contest they can win during their lifetimes. In addition to a distinguished title, the winner will receive a cash prize, a trophy, a free trip to the Dalaran Sewers and generous amounts of social media hatred. Other uglies will be rewarded as well as long as they are in compliance with the restriction of two items per set. Guest judges include Decisis the Moose and Blindluck the Diversifier. This event will be held at an undisclosed location on Sunday, September 3rd, at around 6 PM Eastern.

Another corrupt priestess awaited the Pirates crew as they descended into the tomb's depths. She is the Queen of Souls, the artist formerly known as High Priestess Dejahna. Her instrument of choice is the originally named Engine of Souls, which actually harvests the spirits of slain night elves and twists their energy into monstrosities such as the Desolate Host. On a related note, the Legion employs highly skilled and sought after engineers with outstanding job offers pending from Pirates. Technologically, inventions like space ships and soul harvesters place the Legion decades ahead of lowly humans.

Only the weaponized music of none other than Justin Bieber could penetrate the stolen souls. Pirates audio savant Amplitude blared Despacito over a portable boombox with bluetooth that connected wirelessly to the MP3 playlist on his smartphone. Wave after wave of ghouls shrieked as deafeningly loud bass rocked the room hard enough to cause heart palpitations. In response, the queen slowly descended from her throne to the middle of the room and met the amalgamation of souls better known as Desolate Host. The Pirates grew tense in expectation of an ultimate attack as minions gathered around the dead couple.

All of a sudden the Soul Queen and Desolate Host burst into dance, rapidly humping each other like dogs in heat (see photo for reference). After 30 seconds that felt like an eternity, the couple made the infamous Blue Steel pose that left no doubt in the minds of anyone that an epic dance off was taking place. A true couple of filthy Pirates named Jyelle and Wave stepped up to the plate and moved to the beat. Jyelle's bum bum shook with the mesmerizing grace of Shakira while Wave busted out a moonwalk move that sent the crowd into a frenzy. When the Soul Queen was up for Round 2, she graciously bowed and smiled. Elune rays rapidly fired from her mouth at souls until the entire room had been cleansed of corruption. Do not count on a god to save the queen; call 1-800-PIRATES* when all seems lost because they will be ready to overcome darkness.

* Subject to variable rates depending on call center load and nature of the emergency as well as connection/termination fees

As the Pirates approached Terrace of the Moon their collective gaze fixated on the Sisters of the Moon, an alluring trio that basked in Light of Elune. The tenacious sisters served as elite wardens with a sense of duty so wholly engrossed that death did not hinder them. Over thousands of years, their minds gradually succumbed to the corruption of prisoner Sargeras until they could no longer distinguish between friend and foe. This immediately became apparent to the Pirates when Huntard Kasparian reacted to a friendly "yo ho ho" greeting by throwing a glaive that decapitated a sunflower pet. The horror! The horror!

That innocent sunflower did not deserve to die at the hands of a horror phantasm. Those bitches would burn in hell for inciting the pirates to pull the trigger on the nuclear option. After a cry of "Let's Go, Ghostbusters!", the whole crew beat Kasparian so badly that she spat out a glaive shoved up her ass. Next up was Captain Yathae Moonstrike who had been usurped for being too weak to fight her own battles. Her most intimidating attack is summoning a Moontalon Owl that ended up being mind controlled and fighting for the rum side. Finally, the Pirates clashed with the leader of the mean girls herself: Priestess Lunaspyre, the most destructive religious figure since Jesus H. Christ. Fittingly, she moon burned to hell in a pile of religious scrolls.

Being a demon is enough of a reason to be killed on sight but we ran into the worst kind of demon that needed to be exterminated at any cost: religious demons. Atrigan and Belac enjoy inflicting physical and mental torture, respectively, to break weaklings until they worship the Legion. Their most notorious conversion is Rakeesh the son of Prophet Velen. Diplomacy with a level of crazy greatly exceeding Kim Jong-un was out of the question. These freaks were masochists and sadists combined. After failing to make the Pirates suffer, they profusely thanked them for a beating that made quartering seem tame. The Pirates broke their bodies but they could not break their minds that looked forward to glorious suffering at the hands of their master.

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