After years of doing the dirty work for a geezer better known as Khadgar, the Pirates were officially summoned to a secret base rarely visited by mere mortals: the Seat of the Pantheon. Excitement over bounty rewards quickly soured when the Pantheon presented yet another challenge. In order to extinguish the Burning Legion, the Pirates needed to sever Sargeras' demonic connection to the world soul of Argus. Obviously this would be accomplished by murder given the lack of diplomatic skills possessed by Pirates.

Aman'Thul and Co. dragged out the soul of the planet Argus and manifested it into a mortal form at the Seat of the Pantheon. The Pirates prepared to engage their strongest opponent yet, Argus the Unmaker, essentially a god corrupted by Sargeras and his forced husband that gave birth to billions of ugly demons. Argus had been crying for eons about the abusive nature of Sargeras. Legion intelligence forces detected the subversive calls for help and Sargeras reacted by deploying the fallen Aggramar as his personal jailer. Fortunately, the cries were eventually heard by a crew of noble invaders that frown upon domestic violence.

Pirates were ready to engage when a menacing green cloud appeared in space over Azeroth and the booming voice of Sargeras announced that his fighter Argus "will be your undoing." Argus unleashed a tormented roar and commenced the start of battle with a swing of his scythe. On a related note, Argus' unique sounds were produced because he had no lips. The assumption is that his lips were withered down from repeatedly deep throating Sargeras who is rumored to have the biggest cock in the universe. No matter how big your dick is, you will still fall to the ground from a cheap shot to the balls. After the titan sized blows metaphysically delivered to Sargeras' crotch during the fight, medical professionals stated that he will never seed another demon. How did Pirates defeat the most powerful being ever encountered in Azeroth's recorded history?

The key to success in battle against an almighty god is having half a dozen vengeful gods on your side. During the first stage of the encounter, Golganneth provided sea and sky flavored crack samples that granted superhuman strength. Before the drugs wore off, Golganneth swept away all of the toxic Death Fog created by Argus. During stage two, Aggramar lent a divine shield capable of withstanding shadow bomb detonations powerful enough to make the Tsar Bomba test look like a miniature special effect. As Argus weakened, Norgannon exposed an elemental vulnerability that opened a brief window for Aman'Thul to cast a stunning Temporal Blast that temporarily subdued the opponent. When Argus regained his senses, he raged and swung his scythe wildly enough to shred to death every single Pirate.

All seemed lost until Eonar summoned a majestic tree that sprung forth with life energy to free all Pirates from the grasp of Davy Jones. The last form of supernatural assistance came from Khaz'goroth who reforged players in his image. He gave the name titanforging to this strange form of magical possession and promised that anyone who prayed to him, or one of his monikers such as RNGesus, would continue to receive spiritual boosts. Titanforging made the Pirates bigger, faster and stronger in the vein of Americans. Not even a god could match the collective might of titanforged Pirates. Continuing an alarming trend, Argus thanked the Pirates for ending his torment and granting him freedom through death.

Aman'Thul lauded mortals on behalf of the Pantheon while Eonar announced that time's up for the abusive Sargeras. Pirates departed on the Vindicaar while the six remaining Pantheon members took their seats and channeled a great astral beam that pierced the green cloud enveloping Azeroth. Sargeras was pulled out of the cloud and manifested into a gigantic infernal form. While being sucked away, he whipped out a massive sword and thrust hard enough to penetrate deep into Azeroth. Sargeras also tried to grab the Vindicaar but missed as he was tractored into the Seat of the Pantheon. His jailer Illidan Stormrage promptly greeted Sargeras by shoving blades in his face. The Pantheon sealed themselves along with Sargeras and Illidan inside their base so hopefully the Burning Legion is fully contained.

Meanwhile, Pirates arrived back at home eager to collect their bounties and enjoy an all expenses paid trip to Disneyland. They were last publicly spotted singing a jolly tune that opens with the catchy lyrics "yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me." Elsewhere in the sands of Silithus, the blade of Sargeras towers above a gaping wound showing numerous signs of infection. An ominous aura suggests that the Heroes of Azeroth will need to be summoned again... and they will answer the call if the booty is just right.

Aggramar is the titan disciple of Sargeras who discovered Azeroth for the Pantheon. They originally hunted together to stop the spread of demons. After Sargeras left the Pantheon, Aggramar created the titan-forged to fight the Void on behalf of the titans because direct combat could destroy Azeroth. His creations succeeded at defending the nascent world soul until Sargeras emerged eons later as the leader of the demons and initiator of the Burning Crusade.

In response to the destruction of a world, Aggramar confronted and directly challenged his former master to combat. Both of the titans shattered their enormous blades in a blinding explosion of fel and arcane. Heavily wounded, Aggramar retreated to alert the Pantheon about the demonic betrayal of Sargeras. Aggramar recovered and foolishly confronted his master, unarmed, attempting to end the dispute by diplomacy. Sargeras quickly ended negotiations by nearly cleaving Aggramar into two then slaughtering the rest of the Pantheon.

Fast forward to Argus, Sargeras corrupted the avatar of Aggramar and turned him into a pawn. Aggramar watched over the Shivarra as they tortured his former Pantheon comrades and attempted to break their minds. Fortunately, somehow the spirits of titans capable of destroying entire planets were no match for drunk ass Pirates. One by one, the Pantheon titans fell before the collective colossal might of Pirates until only Aggramar remained.

Based on knowledge of how Aggramar fell before Sargeras, the Pirates attempted to convince him that they would join the Burning Legion and help Sargeras to accomplish all of his evil goals. Aggramar always knew that he is a skilled diplomat and eagerly sheathed his sword while beginning to open a communication channel to his master. As soon as Aggramar turned his back, the Pirates zerged and stabbed him repeatedly in a grotesque scene more bloody than the murder of Caesar. After freeing Aggramar from Sargeras' grasp, he quickly came to his senses and thanked us for stabbing his spirit to death. Then he pledged to help the heroes of Azeroth against Argus the Unmaker at the Seat of the Pantheon.

Among the most feared women are Shivarra, six-armed demons three times as fanatical as other Legion followers and possibly the most depraved women that ever existed. At the upper echelon of Antorus is a coven made up of four Shivarra notorious for eliciting screams with their respective signature techniques in torture. They were tasked by Sargeras with corrupting the spirits of fallen titans to form an unstoppable Dark Pantheon. Their sinister plans came to a screeching halt when they encountered an elite force that even ninjas could not overcome: drunkin' Pirates of the Abyssal Maw.

Having proven themselves to be the most boisterous crew in all of Azeroth, the Pirates set sail to drown out screams with roaring laughter. When they finally reached the Burning Throne in Antorus and gazed upon the mesmerizing Shivarra, most wondered how such beautiful women were capable of unspeakable horrors. The coven quickly put that thought to rest by demonstrating their fierce battle prowess. Each Shivarra unleashed powerful magical barrages from the schools of fire, ice and darkness. Pirates scattered like rats in random directions to evade and luckily formed four makeshift attack packs.

Similarly to the Sargeras mutts, isolation of the Coven turned out to be a key weakness. The Coven were separated into four quadrants spaced approximately 15 yards apart to allow for sophisticated cleave and dot attacks to hit multiple targets concurrently. Eventually, the Coven fell like dominos starting with Noura the so-called Mother of Flames who exploded in a spectacular gibbing. The Army of Light shined bright enough to melt Diima the Mother of Gloom and cancel Asara the Mother of Night. Finally, only the strongest sister remained with her cosmic scale fire spells. Thu'raya's deafening screams echoed throughout all of Argus as she succumbed to simple interrupts. Pirates claimed another lucrative bounty and signalled the start of a wild celebration by singing about bottles of rum. While the mothers have fallen, it remains to be seen if all of their twisted children have been dealt with.

On Day 1337 of a hunger strike to protest titan brutality, authorities confirmed that dreadlord Varimathras died from malnutrition. For thousands of years, Vari endured torture at the hands of Shivarra sadists. He described the pain as worse than having a tooth drilled into the nerve without novocaine, or reading tweets composed by Donald J. Trump. Vari had lost enough weight to make Azeroth models doubt if they were skinny enough to fit inside a backpack. His time of death is unknown because he had been standing in the exact same position without moving for the entire strike duration.

An early Darwin contender died after he launched an explosive purple ball off the top of his head on Thursday night. According to the national Department of Public Safety, Kin'garoth placed a mortar tube on his head and set off the explosive ball. He died instantly after the ball exploded.

The victim's brother, Varimathras, told the Azeroth Daily News it was an accident. He said his brother was holding a lighter and it accidentally caused the ball to go off.

“I was the first one who got there. There was no rushing him to the hospital. There was no Kin'garoth left when I got there,” his brother said. “It was a freak accident. But Kin'garoth was not the kind of person who would do something stupid. He was the kind of person who would pretend to do something stupid to make people laugh.”

Officials say this is the first ball-attributed death in Azeroth since they were legalized two years ago.

Imonar Walks Into a Trap

Scarcrux a posted Dec 27, 17  -  antorusmythicraid

Imonar accepted an invitation to come alone and walked straight into a blatantly obvious trap. He arrived in a dark alley where a Pirates crew quickly surrounded him and offered a ubiquitous package. As a master of traps, Imonar eagerly anticipated the content of the box. He wondered whether the Pirates would offer him a predictable explosive or something a bit more exciting like a deadly exotic poison. Check out the video to witness his shocking reaction to unboxing the finest booty:

Eonar has been on the run to prevent her titan soul from being captured by the Legion which sought to generate an infinite demon army. Her goddess powers of creation and healing have earned the honorable title Life-Binder. Spiritually, she reached out to a dwarf in the middle of a naughty dream and planted herself on his bed. She conveyed through feelings that she is really important and in great danger. Magni the dwarf pledged to save her by any means possible. Fortunately, he found a ragtag band of pirates stupid enough to accept the bounty.

Pirates arrived just in time at Eonar's secret garden enclave to mount a defense against waves of demons. Apparently this Eonar is actually a big deal for the Legion to send the battlecruiser Paraxis. In addition to transporting troops, the ship rained down fel artillery. Thousands of Fel Lords were massacred along with their pet hounds and bats. While the ground forces were neutralized, an elite team beamed up to the ship to strike down its commander. Eonar rewarded her saviors with wet dreams mesmerizing enough for a race of dwarves to worship her.

Antorus, Argus – After 15 millenia of operating award winning portals, the Burning Legion's Hasabel Magical Transportation is sealing its doors. Sitting in the heart of Antorus, the business has been a destination for billions of demons. Portal travelers could choose from a myriad menu of planets to invade.

Pirates forced the closure of the business by capturing Portal Keeper Hasabel and destroying her nexus. Surprisingly, the Pirates did not collect her bounty. Rumor is that Hasabel is being tortured to reveal portal technology trade secrets with the goal of constructing a new transportation network called The Pirate Bay.

A trio of eredar military commanders got fragged for helping to orchestrate the Burning Crusade that ravaged countless worlds. Their most heinous act was the construction of hazardous elevators that swiftly crushed millions of innocent lives. Telt became the latest victim after being swapblasted while discussing battle tactics. He would have been pleased to witness the commanders being blown up by their own mines as they attempted to hide in panic rooms shaped like pods.

A pair of demonic guard dogs known as the Felhounds of Sargeras tracked the intoxicating smell of blood to greet the Pirate invaders. Shatug the Shadow Bitch drenched the crew with black piss while F'harg the Molten Bastard spit great balls of fire that ignited the oily piss. Chocolate treats were deployed to separate and isolate the dogs from using their fire piss combo. This had the unintended effect of acting as a stimulant and triggering berserker mode in which they viciously bit random targets. In response, the dogs were given a plethora of chocolate treats shaped like dicks with the intention of overloading their demonic systems. The gluttens swallowed the treats without even chewing and their movements grew increasingly erratic like mad tweakers. Eventually they both collapsed and melted into pools of their respective elements.